So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
