Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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