I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
