I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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