Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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