I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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