Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
