he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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