Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
