They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
