I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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