how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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