so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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