she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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