im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
