so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Too much gin, very little bucket
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
