She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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