omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
