mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
