My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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