Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
