I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
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I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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