you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
