Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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