omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
