why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
