I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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