just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
