I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
