she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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