First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
