Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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