I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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