I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
