OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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