it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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