I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
