yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
