I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
