I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
farters have to be the big spoon...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
