I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
