i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
