She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
