youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
