guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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