the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
