My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Houston, we have a squirter
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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