Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
