booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
