Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
