so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
