She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
