as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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