dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize