Princesses don't give blow jobs
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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