Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
