I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
