I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
