I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
