I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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