My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
