I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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