I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
